I don't know how to tell you you're f*cked up...

Mr. Henly's Note:

Wow, first question is pretty heavy, if you don't count: "My dog farts and then smells it. Is he retarded?" That's ok, though! I am capable of putting on my serious hat once in while.

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Dear Mr. Henly,

How do you tell someone you really care about, that you think they need professional help, because they are screwing up their life? (ie: Therapy)

Concerned.

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Dear Concerned,

Of course, the asshole in me wants to answer "How about email? Or Evite them to an intervention session!" but I'll assume you mean "How do you phrase it to them?".

In all seriousness (there's that serious hat), kudos to you for being concerned about your friend. I don't want to take away from that. You're not giving me a lot to work with here. "Screwing up their life" is pretty vague. So my advice has to be pretty general. Sorry, best I can do!

Before thinking about breaking the news to your friend, make sure to at least have sufficient cause/evidence that there is a problem. Things to think about:

• Gauge the impact of your friend's behaviour. Are they danger to themselves or others? Is it impacting their schooling/work/family life?
• Have you talked to anyone else about your friend? Does anyone else agree that they may need help?
• Has your friend opened up to you or anyone about what's going on? How they talk about it should be an indication of how destructive the situation is.
  
• Other than caring about your friend, do you have a vested interest in seeing them get past whatever issue you interpret as 'screwing up their life'? Make sure your motives are genuine.

After considering those points, if you still feel that professional help is required, here's how I would go about talking to them:

• Do it in person. (Duh)
• Have another friend of theirs with you. It would be best if you picked a friend that wasn't directly tied to you (ie. someone you're not that close to). That way they won't feel that the other friend is there just to have your back. It's proof that 2 or more people, that aren't tied to each other, are concerned that there's a problem.
  
• Review their behaviour with them. If there was a point of origin for this behaviour start there, of course. Give them examples of how they are hurting themselves (or others) physically/emotionally/financially, whatever the case may be.
• Let them know that everyday people seek counseling for a large variety of reasons.
• If they aren't opening up to anyone, encourage them to speak to a friend or family member first. It might be intimidating for them to talk to a stranger about something they haven't talked to anyone about.
• Hug them. Cry a little. Make sure they know you really care for them.
• Then buy them a drink. Unless alcoholism is the issue at hand. That would be counter-productive.
  

If they don't agree right off the bat to see someone, don't be surprised. But also, don't be discouraged. People can be very proud and stubborn when it comes to seeking help. Give them time to mull things over in their head. After giving it some thought, they might decide it's worth checking out. Follow-up with them a week or two after your talk, but don't get nagging or confrontational. You don't want them to not listen just out of spite.

If you have more questions, or decide to be a bit more descriptive of the nature of the problem, simply post a comment. I'll get it in my mailbox.

Good luck...

Mr. Henly.